Lucky Ring
by Jessie Brown 4
Summary: A crossover of LOTR and the Musical, Lucky Stiff. Frodo Baggins is a young hobbit who sells shoes, hates dogs, and so desperately wants a new life! He receives a telegram, saying his Uncle, Mr. Bilbo Baggins had recently passed on, and now he's inheriting six million dollars. But he doesn't know that others are after that money, and a gold ring inside the heart-shaped box.
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

Something funny's going on

And it isn't very pretty

This is how it all began

With a murder of a man!

Stab!

Whoops…

In The Land of Mordor…

Hobbiton…

Something Funny's going on

There's a lot we haven't told yet

There's a fortune

And a chase

And a lovely foreign place

Lovely foreign place

Lovely, lovely

Foreign, foreign place

Ah

And the body isn't cold yet

In Hobbiton

The story that you're about to hear is strange, we know

And things like this don't happen every day!

But there's a little saying and it's apropos

Where there's a will

Where there's a will

Where there's a will

There's a way!

Hobbtion, May 5th, Dear Nephew Frodo, this is my last will and testament. I hope it finds you in better health then it does me! Haha!

Something funny's going on!

There's an awful lot of action!

And a physical attraction!

And a lot of dogs!

Woof! Woof!

There's a man, once a dark Lord

And a hobbit with a sword!

And the body of a man

And an axe about to fall

On one, unsuspecting hobbit

In the middle of it all!

In The Shire

In May

With the day already gone

Something funny, funny

Very, very funny

Woof! Woof!

Stab!

Whoops…

Is going on!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1**

**Mr. Frodo's Friday Night**

**Hi everyone! I'm so excited about this one! Unfortunately, Lucky Stiff isn't a well-known musical. But it's well done with beautifully crafted characters and a lot of humor. I wrote a LOTR song with the tune of Rita's confession. I showed May Waters and she said I should write a fan fiction for it! Just so you know, it may not make any sense…but I hope you enjoy! Special thanks to May Waters! –Twist! ;)**

"Three pairs of alligator pumps, check. Two pairs of sandal toes in white, right. Ten pairs galoshes for the rain…and one shoe salesman going quietly insane." Frodo Baggins sat on his stool in his shoe shop, checking off shoe boxes. He wasn't too fond of his job, especially when doing inventory. He would sit and muse and talk to himself out of boredom. Frodo was a young hobbit with thick brown, curly hair and bright blue eyes. He was roughly 3'5, which was normal for a hobbit. But being in a town full of hobbits, selling shoes was a rough business to be in.

"Another Friday night, with Frodo Baggins," He continued his musing. "Another perfect evening on its way. I'll just bet we're having stew, and my rent is overdue…and I haven't sold a shoe all day." He picked up a shoe, studied it, and began talking to it. "Behold the perfect life of Frodo Baggins. How I would envy me if I were you! All the glamour and the fun! And the endless days of sun, and the endless nights of stew…" He looked down at the shoe he was holding tightly to his chest. "And I'm talking to a shoe!" He gasped and set the shoe down, and then continued his inventory. "Three pairs of ankles strapped in beige, check. Two pairs of loafers, trimmed in chrome, check…ten million shoes going off on adventures, and one shoe salesman going home… I should be strolling along a sandy beach, some place exotic and bright! I should be dancing, instead of doing inventory on a Friday night! If I were someone else but Frodo Baggins, I swear I'd never sell another shoe! I'd go sailing off to sea, flying through the blue; doing all the things all you shoes get to do!" He continued, scolding his stack of shoe boxes. "There'd be so many things I'd rearrange! But Baggins…your life is not about to change…"

Daisy Boffin, Frodo's landlady was putting a kettle on for tea as a stranger came knocking at the door.

"Who is it?" She yelled. "I don't want to let the dogs into the kitchen!" She walked over to the door and opened it to a tall stranger. It was a man with rugged clothes, hair and short beard.

"I have a telegram for Mr. Frodo Baggins, is he in?" The stranger said.

"Telegram, for 'im!" Daisy gasped. "Well, 'e's not 'ome yet. But I'll take it. I'm 'is landlady. I'll see 'e gets it." She took the yellow envelope from the stranger. He walked out and the dogs ran to him, barking frantically.

"Kili, Fili! Let go of that nice man's leg! Thank you!" She called to the man after scolding the dogs. She walked back into the kitchen.

The Myrtle Burrows, a spinster entered Bag End, calling out behind her. "Kili, Fili! Let go of that nice man's leg!" After closing the door, she walked hastily into the kitchen. "Who was that?" She asked Daisy.

Daisy smiled at her before answering. "Mr. Baggins got a telegram."

"Mr. Baggins…got what?" Myrtle gaped at her.

"Got a telegram." Daisy repeated.

"Not a telegram!" Myrtle gasped, sitting down at the table. "That's impossible!"

"It's not! 'Ere, look 'ere!" Daisy continued. "Now a telegram means a tragedy!"

"Something 'orrible!" Myrtle added.

"Or grim!" Daisy agreed. "Well I never thought of a tragedy-"

"Or of anything ever 'appening to 'im!" Myrtle added, finishing Daisy's thought.

"Evenin'" Samwise Gamgee said, walking into the kitchen. He tilted his hat to the ladies and took off his coat. Merry entered Bag End, being attacked by the dogs.

"Let go of my bloody leg!" He shouted. He walked into the kitchen to join the other hobbits.

"Boys, now then, look 'ere!" Daisy said to them.

"You'll never guess!" Myrtle said.

"Mr. Baggins got a telegram!" Daisy continued.

"Well, you could've knocked me flat!" Myrtle commented.

"Why would anyone send a telegram to a nincompoop like that?" Sam asked them. Merry chuckled.

On his way home, Frodo continued to think out loud.

"I should be strolling along a sandy beach, someplace exotic…and bright! I should be dancing!"

He started to dance as he walked down the street toward Bag End, and then laughed at himself. "I should be quitting my job and moving out. I should be waving good-bye! I should start living…before I die."

Meanwhile, the hobbits in Bag End were trying to figure out what to do.

"Hold it up to the light!" Daisy said, holding it up towards a candle on the mantle above the fireplace.

"Why on earth would they send it?" Myrtle asked.

"We could slice it and mend it!" Merry suggested.

"He'll be home any minute!" Sam warned.

"What on earth could be in it?" They all gathered around Daisy.

"Shall I just pry it open?" Daisy asked slowly. The thought was interrupted from the soft screaming of the kettle.

All four hobbits hummed.

"Will you have a cup?" Daisy asked, leading the hobbits over to the kettle. "With some sugar dear and  
cream? I've got a lovely pot, and a lot of steam." She held the envelope over the kettle for a moment.

"Better hurry up!" Merry said.

"Hold it over here!" Sam joined in.

"I'm a nervous wreck!" Myrtle breathed out.

"Me too!" Daisy said. Just as the envelope opened from the steam, Frodo walked into Bag End, yelling at the dogs.

"Fili, Kili! Let go of my leg!" He shouted.

"Mr. Baggins!" The four hobbits gasped.

"Got a telegram for you!" Sam grabbed the envelope and handed it to Frodo.

"A telegram, for me?" Frodo asked, studying the envelope. "But it's…already been opened."

"Oh look!" Daisy said, pretending to be innocent. "The dogs must have done it!" Frodo began to pull out a parchment.

"What's it say Baggins?!" Merry asked.

"Give us a clue!" Myrtle pleaded. Frodo held the letter out and read aloud:

"'We would appreciate it if you would present yourself at the Law Offices of Rivendell immediately, in regards to an urgent matter.'"

"Urgent!" The others gasped. Frodo rolled his eyes and continued:

"'Due to an unfortunate accident, your uncle, Mr. Bilbo Baggins, has passed on.'"

The hobbits sighed in disappointment.

"Aw!" Sam sighed.

"Then it's nothing serious!" Merry complained.

**Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself! Please leave a review! Who can guess who the strange man is? O.O**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2**

**The Solicitor's Office**

**Hm…sorry if there's any chapter confusion…I'm still trying to figure out how that works… But oh well, here's Chapter 2! I hope you enjoy! And please leave a review!**

It was a few days before Frodo made it to Rivendell. He was brought into a room where he would meet an elf named Elrond. Frodo had never met elves before, and thought they were beautiful creatures, tall and fair. He sat in Elrond's office and looked around. The walls were beautifully carved with stone. Beautiful, healthy plants grew all around.

Master Elrond walked into the room. He had a serious face and furrowed eye brows. He had long brown hair and decorative robes. He walked over to Frodo and shook his small hand.

"Condolences Mr. Baggins, condolences," Elrond began before sitting down at his desk. "I'm terribly sorry we much under such tragic circumstances. Make yourself comfortable." He handed Frodo a handkerchief. "Be emotional if you so desire."

"Oh, thank you very much," Frodo said, taking the handkerchief. "But…I never even met my uncle. He wouldn't have known me from a hole in the wall." He studied the handkerchief and folded it.

"And…understandably so," Elrond said. "Nevertheless, you are his only living relative, and he must have had a strange affection for you. You see Mr. Baggins, you uncle has left you an inheritance."

"An inheritance?" Frodo looked up from the handkerchief on his lap. Am elfish girl walked in, carrying a set of tea on a tray. The tea set seemed to rattle, and Frodo noticed her hands were shaking. She was beautiful, efficient, and well-clothed. She tried to act in control, but she was visibly nervous.

"Shall I bring it in now, Father?" She whispered to Elrond.

"Not yet, Arwen," Elrond snapped at his daughter quietly. "I will let you know," He gestured for her to leave.

"Thank you Father," She said hesitantly before leaving the room.

"I don't believe it!" Frodo gasped. "An inheritance! How much is it?"

"Apparently, adventurers and casino managers do quite well in Hobbiton. In Hobbiton dollars, a currency I find highly distasteful, your uncle has left you…" Elrond looked through a parchment on his desk.

"Yes?" Frodo asked nervously.

"Six million," Elrond said.

"Sorry, what?" Frodo asked.

"Six million dollars," Elrond repeated. Frodo gasped and jumped from his seat. He began jumping up and down in excitement. Elrond had to stop him and help him back to his seat.

"But before you become too enthusiastic, I must warn you that the terms of the will are highly…unusual. When you hear your Uncle's last request, you may choose not to accept the money after all. In that case, it will go to your Uncle's favorite charity, the Universal Dog Home of Buckland."

"Dog home?" Frodo demanded. "I'm not letting six million dollars go to a dog home!"

"Dogs are a very worthy cause, sir." Elrond reassured.

"Dogs have made my life a misery!" Frodo stood, outraged. "Dogs are always biting me, chasing me, day in and day out! Look, I don't care what my Uncle's last request is. I'll do anything for that money and no dog is going to get his paws on it!" He hit his hand on the table, as if declaring war.

"Very well, don't say I didn't warn you." Elrond said. "Now, raise your right hand." Frodo raised his left hand. Elrond slapped it away, and raised his right hand into the air.

"Do you, Mr. Frodo Baggins, solemnly swear to fulfill all terms and conditions of Bilbo Baggins's last will and testament, in exchange for his estate of six million dollars?"

"I do!" Frodo said triumphantly.

Elrond walked over to the door, opened it and called out. "Now, Arwen, now!"

Arwen walked back into the room, pushing what looked like an unusually tall hobbit with shoes in a wheelchair. He also wore a hat and sun glasses. Arwen stopped in front of Frodo. She stepped away from the wheelchair and looked at the hobbit sitting in it. She held a fist up to her mouth and stifled a scream. Quickly, she burst out of the room, stifling a scream.

Elrond shook his head; a worried expression came across his face. "Here we are," He snapped out of it and turned back to Frodo. "Now, your Uncle left you a cassette tape with full instructions on it. Here is the cassette player," He handed Frodo the cassette. "On, off, rewind, and play. On his lap is a heart shaped box, which you must guard carefully until you receive further instructions." Elrond handed him a small parchment. "Here is a check which should cover you activities for the week. That's all there is to it." He said farewell in elfish, wished him luck and went to leave.

"But…" Frodo hesitated and looked at the hobbit in the wheelchair.

"Sorry," Elrond turned back to him. "Mr. Baggins, this…is your Uncle Bilbo."

"But…I thought he died!" Frodo looked up at the elf.

"He did," Elrond replied. "The cassette will explain. So nice to have met you. Take your time; help yourself to tea and…congratulations." Elrond left him alone with the hobbit.

Gingerly, Frodo turned to the corpse and peeked under his hat.

"Oh my…" He said slowly and uneasily. He placed the cassette into the player, which was tied on the back of the wheelchair. As the cassette began to play, he heard a voice.

"Hobbiton, May 5th. Dear nephew Frodo, this is my last will and testament, I hope it finds you in better health than it does me." The voice laughed. "Frodo, we've never met, so I hope you won't be too surprised when you hear the little favor I want."

"Favor?" Frodo asked.

"In return for my money, I want to go to the Land of Valinor." The voice said.

"What?!" Frodo gasped.

"I want to go to the Land of Valinor, on vacation! The plans are made, the restaurants are booked! Everything is paid in advance! And this will is my insurance policy that nothing will keep me from going, not even my own death!" The voice continued.

"But…" Frodo paused, trying to take in what was happening. He couldn't believe this was real. "But that's impossible!"

"You're probably thinking, impossible, right?" The voice replied as if it could hear Frodo. "Look, a taxidermist friend of mine has me fixed up so no one will notice a thing. All you have to do is pass me off as your dear, old, invalid Uncle, and follow the instructions on the tape. There's nothing to it!"

"Take a dead man to the Land of the Undying, are you mad?" Frodo demanded.

"If you don't want to do it, I understand. In which case, I'm sure someone from the Universal Dog Home of Buckland will be willing. They'll take me on vacation, and they'll get the six million."

"Six million dollars…" Frodo whispered.

"So Frodo…what do you say?" There was a long pause. It felt as if the dead body was alive and speaking to him. It sent shivers down his spine. How could he throw away six million dollars?

"I'm going to the Land of Valinor…" Frodo decided. "With a corpse."

**There's so much dialogue! I love it. I wasn't planning on having this being modern at first, but it's kind of hard when sun glasses and a cassette are needed. Oh well. I hope you enjoyed…and I hope I didn't lose a large percent of my readers…leave a review! ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3**

**Lobelia's Confession**

**Hmm…this should be interesting ;)**

Peregrin Took was a young hobbit who worked as an optometrist. He had almost everything a hobbit could ask for: a nice home, a beautiful wife, and a well paying job that he liked. He began one morning with his usual routine.

"Is this your first visit to Hobbiton Optometry, Mr. Grubb?" He asked his first patient, leading him into his office.

"Yes it is," Mr. Grubb replied.

"Well, it's nice to have you with us," Peregrin, or Pippin for short, said pleasantly. "Now take a seat, cover your left eye, and read from the top of the chart."

As Mr. Grubb began to read the chart, the nurse, Estella Bolger, walked in.

"Doctor Took," She said. "Mrs. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins is here."

"My cousin?" Pippin asked. "Just a minute Mr. Grubb." He told him patiently and then turned back to Estella.

"Estella, tell her again, she can't just come barging in here every time she loses her glasses." Pippin said to her. "She has to make an appointment like everyone else."

"Yes Doctor," Estella said smoothly, winking at him. She walked out the door with the usual swing in her hips. Pippin turned back to Mr. Grubb. "Now, you may continue Mr. Grubb."

As Mr. Grubb resumed and read the letters on the chart, Lobelia burst into the room. She had black-brown hair, and was a little older in age than Pippin.

"Pippin!" She yelled as she ran up to Mr. Grubb, grasping him by the shoulders. "I know, I know, I don't have an appointment, but I have to talk to you right now!"

"Lobelia!" Pippin scolded. "That's Mr. Grubb! Put your glasses on!" Lobelia looked at Pippin, squinted, and turned back to Mr. Grubb.

"Sorry," Pippin said to Mr. Grubb. "Mycousin's legally blind." Lobelia placed her cat-eye-shaped glasses and turned to Mr. Grubb.

"I just hate glasses, don't you?" She laughed awkwardly, and then grabbed Mr. Grubb and led him out of the office. "Now look, this is an emergency, will you please excuse us?" Pippin followed them.

"Lobelia, what are you…uh?" He called out the door after Mr. Grubb. "Would you just reschedule with my nurse, Mr. Grubb? Thank you!" He turned to Lobelia. "Are you mad?"

"Pippin," Lobelia took a deep breath. "This is serious. I'm in a little trouble and I didn't know where else to go. Look, look what I found in the obituary in the daily paper." She handed Pippin a newspaper and pointed out the name Bilbo Baggins. Pippin read aloud:

"'Hobbiton Shoe salesman inherits six million dollars from adventurer and casino manager Uncle…' I don't get it." Pippin finished and turned to his long-distant cousin.

"Let me start at the beginning," Lobelia said. She paused for a moment, trying to figure out how to tell him. Finally she took a deep breath. "I was having an affair."

"An affair?" Pippin asked, but he wasn't surprised.

"An affair," Lobelia repeated. "And my lover's name was Bilbo."

"Bilbo?" Pippin rolled his eyes.

"Baggins," Lobelia sighed. "He managed my husband's casino. He wore…a tux! I went crazy for the guy, which is why…"

"Which is why…?" Pippin urged.

"I embezzled from my husband." Lobelia finished.

"Not your husband!" Pippin gasped.

"We stole from my husband's casino, six million bucks, and not in rocks! Six million bucks, a gold ring, in a heart-shaped box." Lobelia continued. "Now…I've got to go to the Land of Valinor. I've got to find this hobbit. He inherited the money I embezzled from my husband for my lover…who I accidently stabbed…"

"What?" Now Pippin was surprised. Lobelia paused again, searching her mind for the right thing to say.

"Well I went to Bilbo's place," She said.

"Bilbo's place?" Pippin asked.

"It was dawn," Lobelia said. "And I saw a woman leaving."

"Woman?"

"Leaving. I knew that my Bilbo was in there…well I saw red!" Lobelia said through clenched teeth. "And the room was very dark."

"Very dark?" Pippin asked.

"Very dark," Lobelia confirmed. "And I didn't have my glasses."

"What, no glasses?" Pippin demanded, but Lobelia just continued.

"And there in the dark accidently, I stabbed him dead!"

"No!"

"They found his will!"

"Why?!"

"He left this…hobbit nephew my entire six mill! Now I've got to go to the land of Valinor, I've got to find this hobbit!" Lobelia looked angrier than ever.

"He inherited the money…" Pippin said, trying to follow the events.

"I embezzled from my husband," Lobelia added.

"For the guy you accidently stabbed at dawn?" Pippin concluded.

"And, you've got to go to the Land of Valinor," Lobelia told him.

"Me?" Pippin asked, eyes widening.

"Just as fast as you can!" Lobelia seemed to be pleading.

"Why?" Pippin demanded.

"Because I accidently mentioned it was you who took the money when my husband accidently found it gone…" Lobelia quickly answered. "What could I say?" She began pacing.

"What did you say, what did you say?" Pippin followed her, desperate for an answer.

"What could I do?" She said, seeming to be talking to herself.

"What did you do, what did you do?" Pippin asked.

"The money was gone, and Otho caught on so I blamed it…" Lobelia turned to Pippin.

"No…" He gasped.

"On you," Lobelia finished, smiling innocently. "I said you lost it gambling…I was desperate! It just came out of my mouth…spontaneously… and now…well…" Lobelia hesitated. "I think Otho has a…contract…on your life…"

Pippin sat down. "I've got to go to the Land of Valinor…I've got to find this hobbit." He decided.

"Mmhm," Lobelia nodded.

"I could end up in the river with an arrow in my liver or have elf rope wrapped around my neck…" Pippin said.

"Check," Lobelia agreed helping Pippin to his feet. "We've got to go to the Land of Valinor, just as fast as we can, and find this hobbit!" She declared.

**Plot twist! Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself! Leave a review! ;D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4**

**It's Good to be Alive!**

**Chapter 4 already! 4 is my lucky number! ;)**

Frodo noticed many different kinds of people on the boat. They varied in elves, dwarves, men, and even hobbits. The terrified Frodo walked onto the boat. The seats were lined nice and straight like a train. He struggled to lift his deceased Uncle into his seat. He folded the wheelchair and tucked it into the back, and then took his seat. He held the heart-shaped box and the cassette player on his lap. He noticed a man carrying a shield and a horn, appearing very prosperous. Two elf ladies sat in front of the seat he was assigned to. A hobbit who appeared old, but acted young and spry sat across the aisle from him. Sitting far in the back, he saw a young hobbit girl taking notes in an old, worn notebook. She chewed on her pencil and glared at him, he quickly looked away. A waitress approached him.

"Hello sir," She said sweetly. "My name is Rosie Cotton and I will be serving you today."

"Hello," Frodo replied politely, trying not to be nervous.

"May I suggest the trout today?" She asked, brushing her blond curls back.

"Oh, nothing for me, thanks." Frodo said. "But my Uncle here would like…" He pressed play on the cassette, holding it under the table. The voice from the cassette rang out, ordering some food in elfish. Frodo winced as it finished; "And the same for my nephew."

Frodo turned off the tape recorder and looked up at Rosie. She gave him a long, hard stare. Frodo tried to look nonchalant.

"Very good sir," Rosie said slowly before leaving him.

Again, Frodo started to talk with himself.

"Why am I here? What am I doing? I'm on a trip with a dead man!" He looked over at the body. "What made me think I could get through this? Why in the world did I ever do this? How in the world will I ever get by?"

He looked up and noticed the man with the shield was looking at him curiously. Frodo began to talk to his Uncle in a jovial voice which could be heard several rows away.

"What's that, Uncle? You say your eyesight isn't what it used to be?" He paused. "Well of course I'd be happy to describe the sights!" He looked out at the sea. "You can see the sun, shining on the sea, Uncle Bilbo. What a lovely sea, wouldn't you agree, Uncle Bilbo? Here it's very hot, so I hope you've got something you can swim in. On the beach we'll lie, gazing at the sky. Uncle you will die…when you see the women." He added quickly when he realized what he had said. "Everything is elfish. Uncle take a look, it's all _tres jolie_! Nothing like you've read, not in any book, Uncle Bilbo. It's all so new and thanks to you, I doubt that I'll survive! Oh…well at least…It's good to be alive."

Rosie brought Frodo and Bilbo their food. Frodo noticed the young hobbit girl taking notes as their food was placed. Simultaneously, the older hobbit approached them, startling Frodo terribly.

"Hello! Odo Proudfoot, sir! And you are?" He said loudly.

"Oh!" Frodo caught his breath. "Er, Frodo Baggins, and my Uncle Bilbo."

"Is this your first time to the Land of Valinor?" Odo asked.

"Yes, but…"

"Fantastic!" Odo cheered. "I will be your guide." The two elf ladies turned to look at them.

"Well, actually, my Uncle is here for rest you see, and seclusion." Frodo said.

"Rest? Seclusion?" Odo asked. "Nonsense! This is The Land of Valinor!" He turned to Bilbo.

"Try a little taste, have a little sip, Uncle Bilbo." He insisted, pouring ale into the corpse's mouth. The ale dripped from his mouth and onto his clothes, but Odo didn't seem to notice. "Come you mustn't waste such a lovely trip, Uncle Bilbo! Ladies left and right, don't be so uptight. Have a fling why don't you?" He winked at the two elf women. They both laughed and turned in their seats.

"Uncle, don't look now," Odo continued. "Give a little bow, lovely ladies, ciaou! Come and join us wont you?" He introduced the girls as May and Jessie.

"Hi and how d'ya do?" May asked.

"Uh huh!" Jessie added.

"Hi and who are you?" May asked.

"Uh huh!" Jessie said.

"Uncle…" Frodo began.

"Uncle Bilbo," Odo said.

"Bilbo," Both girls repeated.

"We are on a spree," May continued.

"Uh huh!" Jessie added.

"Fun and fancy free," May said. "Uncle Bilbo."

"So now we've met you can't forget to call when y'all arrive!" Jessie said, surprising Frodo that she could say anything other than 'Uh huh!'

"Don't you think," The girls began, but Frodo already knew the question.

"Yes he does!" He answered quickly.

"It's good to be alive!" The girls swooned. They all laughed convivially. Suddenly, the world seemed to freeze as Frodo noticed the hobbit girl once more. She was looking right at him with bright hazel eyes.

"Who's that hobbit?" Frodo wondered to himself. "That hobbit over there, chewing on her pencil…giving me a glare…Baggins, don't stare!" He turned back to the elves.

"We always taking the train, we never take the plane, why would anybody wanna take…the plane?" May said, and then paused and all of them watched as a plane flew by their heads.

Speaking of planes…

Lobelia and Pippin had taken a flight to the Land of Valinor. Lobelia occasionally looked out of the window and wondered if she could see any boats. Pippin was sobbing uncontrollably, causing Lobelia to look around uncomfortably and annoyed.

"Pippin, Pippin?" She said gently, making an effort to calm him. "Come on, control yourself. What are you worried about? We'll find him, even if we have to call every hotel. Come on…_Stop it!"_ She finally snapped at him, and he went dead silent. "Look on the bright side. I got caught embezzling, I killed the only man I ever loved, and I lost six million dollars in a gold ring! What else could go wrong?" She paused and looked at the bag that fell in front of her. "Oh look, oxygen masks." She said casually, before she realized it. She and Pippin screamed and embraced each other.

"The great champagne, the bracing air!" The man with the shield cheered as they neared the sword.

"The racing boat!" Odo joined in.

"A millionaire!" The two elf women said in a union.

"A million things beyond compare to make a body thrive!" Odo said again. "Oh, do you think?"

"Yes I do! Uncle too!" Frodo said in excitement.

"It's good to be alive!" Odo said. Many stood on their seats and cheered in approval. Suddenly the boat stopped and everyone tumbled down and on top of each other.

"We have now arrived to The Land of Valinor." Someone announced.

**Apparently, Frodo knows French, Odo knows Italian, and May and Jessie are elves with southern accents…isn't it great? ;) Leave a review! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5**

**Lucky**

Frodo was lead to his room by the bell hop, a dwarf named Gimli. The dwarf carried his bags into the room and set them down by the bed, Frodo followed him, pushing Bilbo in the wheelchair. He closed the door behind him.

Gimli greeted him in dwarfish. "And welcome to the Hotel of Valinor, where Isildur had many good times!" He held out his hand.

"Thank you very much," Frodo said, overwhelmed.

"Everything is as you specified, sir." Gimli continued, turning to Bilbo. He walked around the room, pointing out as he went. "Your long-stemmed roses, red. You _Dom Perignon_, chilled."

"Thank you," Frodo said. "And now…good bye."

"Your extra towels sir. Your caviar, you view, your red satin sheets!" Gimli said more vigorously, holding out his hand.

"Thank you again," Frodo said, trying not to lose his patients.

"Your chocolate on the pillow, your bath salts, your-" Gimli almost shouted.

"Your tip?" Frodo interrupted, taking one gold coin out of his pocket and handing it to Gimli.

"Thank you sir," Gimli grunted. "My pleasure," Gimli left, slamming the door. Frodo went limp and fell onto the bed.

"I am not cut out for this," He said, talking to himself again. "I am not cut out of this!" He sat up and looked at his hands. "Look, my hands are actually shaking! I don't know, I don't know! How can I take a week of this? Why did I say yes? I had a job. I had a nice hobbit hole. Life wasn't much, but at least I knew what to expect." He stood up and walked toward the wheelchair. "Now here I am, in danger of being discovered at any moment…" He looked at the corpse. "And I'm talking to you out loud! Stars!" He slapped the cassette player by accident, turning it on. As his Uncle's recorded voice began, it startled Frodo.

"And don't forget to put that heart-shaped box somewhere safe, okay kid?"

Frodo took it from his lap and placed it under the bed. "Anything else?" He demanded sarcastically.

"I know I'm asking a lot, Frodo." The voice paused. "But hey, I envy you, kid. You can see that view, and taste that caviar. And me? All I can do is sit and stare! I'm probably having the best time of my life, and I don't even know it!

"Well, life is short. And I guess I blew it. But at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing you're doing what I always wanted to. So, put up with me, huh? Indulge your crazy old Uncle. And next Sunday, you'll be rich, and the world will be yours." Frodo turned the tape recorder off.

"Well," He mused. "I suppose there are two ways to look at this. I mean, true; I am here in a foreign country with a dead man in a wheelchair, trying to pretend nothing is wrong, and having to do all sorts of things I don't even want to think about. On the other hand, this is a chance to earn a great deal of money in a very short time. So for once in my life, I should think positive. I will. Think. Positive. Everything is fine. Everything is A O.K. I suppose that one might say…I'm lucky!" He looked at the corpse for a second, and then continued to think positive. "Look at where I am! Think of how I made it through! All of this and also you! I'm lucky!" He began to talk to Bilbo. "With you in my life we'll both discover how living feels. With you in my life, my life will be a heck…on wheels! Now my fate is in your hands, and future's on the line. I'm glad to know that you're so sure I'll be fine! But I'll need a lot of luck, stuck with luck like mine! Well, what have you got to say for yourself, Uncle?" He turned on the tape. The voice of Bilbo Baggins replied;

"I want to go gambling…just one last time. I want to go scuba diving. I want to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face. Well, as best I can."

"With you by my side, there's nothing we won't see or do!" Frodo declared. "With you by my side, I'm unafraid, aren't you?" He kept going after the dead silence. "Well, no matter what's in store, what can someone do but try? And if anyone should ask, I'll reply: you're one lucky stiff! And so am I!"

"Have I got a red rose in my buttonhole?" Bilbo asked.

"Check!" Frodo replied.

"Sunglasses?"

"Check!"

"Then we're off!" Bilbo said. "And Frodo, I want to thank you again. I'm about to have the biggest adventure of my life!"

"And so am I!" Frodo said, pushing the wheelchair out into the world he was eager to explore.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 6**

**The Dogs versus You**

Frodo Baggins was ready to start the crazy day ahead of him. He tried to avoid as many people as possible. Outside of the hotel, he ran into some familiar faces.

"Yoo hoo! Mr. Baggins!" May, the elf called out to them.

_Oh, no! _Frodo thought, but he tried to look calm.

"We were just talking about you two, and hoping we would run into you and now we have!" Jessie said.

"So nice to see you again, goodbye!" Frodo said quickly before walking away, pushing his deceased Uncle. He noticed the same hobbit girl from the boat, sitting by the fountain, trying not to look conspicuous and keeping a discreet distance. Then Frodo almost ran over Odo Proudfoot.

"Ciaou!" He said loudly.

_Stars! _Frodo thought bitterly.

"Frodo!" Odo said cheerfully. "I have discovered my room is right down the hall from yours! What a coincidence, eh? Is your Uncle having fun?" He leaned toward the corpse, studying it carefully.

"It certainly is," Frodo said. "_He _certainly is!" He quickly corrected himself. "Have a nice day!" He quickly veered away and suddenly noticed the hobbit girl, who was desperately trying to look inconspicuous.

_There's that hobbit… _He thought. He began to walk, and noticed the hobbit began to follow him. She stopped as he stopped, pretending to look for something in her bag.

_Who's that hobbit? _Frodo wondered. He began to hurry, and the girl kept pace. He stopped again and she pretended to look out into the sea.

_Curse that hobbit! _He thought bitterly. Frodo took off into a run, and the girl pursued him. Frodo stopped short, forcing her to collide with him.

"All right, you're following us!" Frodo accused.

"I'm following you?" The girl asked dumbly.

"Yes you are," Frodo said darkly.

"No I'm not," The girl defended herself.

"You are!" Frodo's voice slightly changed in pitch. "Every time I look over my shoulder, you're right there!"

"Look, this happens to be a free country, Mr. Baggins!" The girl retorted. "I have as much right to be here as you do."

"There, you see!" Frodo said quickly. "You know my name!"

"No I don't," The girl said blankly, but Frodo could see a hint of panic in her hazel eyes.

"Yes you do!" Frodo retorted. "You just called me Mr. Baggins!"

"No I didn't," The girl said blankly again.

"You did," Frodo said.

"I did?" The girl asked hesitantly.

"Yes!" Frodo snapped.

"Oh, stars!" She scolded herself.

"Now, who are you and what do you want?" Frodo demanded. He looked over and noticed Bilbo's arm had slipped off the arm rest. He rushed to reset it. "Look, you've upset my Uncle!" He accused her.

"That would be a pretty good trick!" The girl snorted. "Considering his _condition_."

"What?!" Frodo gaped at her.

"My card," The girl said smoothly, handing him a small lavender card. Frodo read it out loud.

"'Miss Hazel Goodchild, a representative of the Universal Dog Home of Buckland.'"

"We were your late Uncle's favorite charity." Hazel added once he had finished.

"Don't tell me you've come all this way for a handout?" Frodo snorted.

"I have come all this way for the money, Mr. Baggins, all six million dollars of it." Hazel retorted.

"But I've accepted the terms of my Uncle's will, and I'm here, carrying out his wishes. So you hobbits have lost!" Frodo argued.

"Now yet we haven't," Hazel said confidently. "Not by a long shot, you see, there's a loophole." She rubbed her fingernails, and then held them out for examination. This made Frodo uncomfortable.

"Loophole? What loophole? Where?" He asked desperately.

"Well, when we received a copy of the will and tape, I noticed how _detailed _it was. All those social activities, all the things he wants to do and buy and wear…specific times you have to be at specific places…" Hazel replied, her eyes widening in the process.

"I'm doing the best I can." Frodo reasoned.

"Yes," Hazel agreed. "But make just one little slip-arrive somewhere one minute early, or one minute late, put a pink flower in his button hole instead of red…you mess up _one_ little detail, and according to our lawyers, you'll be in default of the will."

"What?!" Frodo gasped.

"One little slip," Hazel continued. "And I take your Uncle, finish up the rest of his vacation, and the money goes to the dogs! So you might as well give up!" She went to grab the handles of the wheelchair, but Frodo pushed her away.

"Give up?" He demanded. "Give up! You're joking!"

Hazel looked offended. "I am _not _the kind of person who makes jokes about serious social issues! The home is in desperate need of funds!"

"So am I." Frodo said simply.

"No, you don't understand!" Hazel said. Suddenly, she didn't seem like that strong character she was only moments ago. "The home will have to close down." She said quietly.

"Fine with me." Frodo said, trying to get past her. A green fire flared in her eyes and she blocked his path.

"Charity begins abroad!" She snapped.

"Excuse me," Frodo dismissed her.

"Look Mr. Baggins," Hazel pleaded. "Let me show you the big picture! There are dogs in despair who need shelter and care, and who don't have a bone to chew. You have red satin sheets; they spend nights on the streets! It's the dogs…the dogs…it's the dogs versus you."

"What?!" Frodo placed a hand to his head.

"We are down on our knees fighting rabies and flees, it's a job someone has to do!" Hazel continued. "We need food. We need tags. Doggy toys-doggy bags! For the dogs!"

"The dogs?" Frodo asked.

"It's the dogs versus you!" Hazel said empathetically. "How I wish you could meet the needy dogs I've known!"

"Oh please," Frodo snorted.

"How much good, you could do in the greater Shire area alone!" Hazel said, ignoring his snort. "Picture one hungry hound-"

"No, no, no…" Frodo argued.

"Picture pups at the pound!"

"No, no,"

"Or a poor, little lost shi-tsu!"

"Who?"

"Think of beagles who beg!"

"No, no, no,"

"St. Bernard's with no keg! It's the dogs!"

"I hate dogs!" Frodo snapped at her.

"You hate dogs…?" Hazel gaped at him with wide eyes.

"Oh how I wish-" Frodo began.

"Needy dogs-" Hazel pleaded.

"You could see-"

"Hungry dogs-"

"The kind of life I had!"

"Twenty-five-thousand starving dogs!"

"If you think-"

"Save the dogs!"

"I'll go back, you are absolutely positively mad!" Frodo declared.

"I'm prepared!" Hazel challenged.

"So am I!" Frodo said, excepting her challenge.

"This is do-"

"Do-"

"Or die!" They said in a union. "It's so nice that we both agree!"

"It's the dogs!" Hazel said.

"The dogs!" Frodo sneered.

"Versus you!" Hazel added.

"And you!" Frodo snapped.

"Versus me!" They both said. They went to walk to their first destination, and they nearly ran into each other. "After you!" They both sneered at each other before continuing.

**This chapter may be a little confusing…do people argue like this in real life…? You can sort of tell when you're reading the songs…there's a lot of repeats. This was also the trickiest chapter to write because Frodo and Hazel were arguing hard core! I hope you enjoyed! ;D**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 7**

**The Phone Call**

Lobelia and Pippin spent some time in the airport with adjacent telephones. Lobelia held a phone book close to her eyes as she attempted to blindly read it without her glasses.

"Welcome to the Valinor Airport. Ground transportation proceeding to The Land of Valinor is available on the lower level." A voice rang out.

"Lobelia," Pippin asked, hanging up the phone he was using. "Why don't we just get a cab and check in somewhere…?"

"Because I want to check in somewhere where Baggins is," Lobelia rolled her eyes as if Pippin had asked her a dumb question. "Now, keep calling."

"This is futile!" Pippin complained.

"No it's not," Lobelia reassured. "I'm almost done with the T's." The two cousins dialed. Lobelia could barely see the phone. "Hello, hotel Telemar? Do you speak the common tounge…? Um, do you have a Frodo Baggins registered there? ...No?... Thank you." She hung up and tried again. "Hello, Telrunya Hotel?" Lobelia turned her back on Pippin and continued to talk quietly, as Pippin waited for his call to go through. Finally, his wife answered.

"Uh, hello?" He said. "Darling, Diamond, can you hear me? Listen honey, I'm calling to tell you…there's a problem. Are you sitting?" He paused and took a deep breath. "Well, I won't be home for dinner tonight…" He winced and jerked the phone away as Diamond snapped back her reply. He pulled the phone back to his ear and continued. "You know Otho, Lobelia's husband? Well I think he is planning to kill me! Hey now Diamond, it's not funny! And I won't be home for dinner tonight! Don't hold the meatloaf, don't toss the salad, don't talk to strangers, and make up some excuse for Mom. Call all my patients, break my appointments, and please, darling, Diamond just be calm." He paused and let Diamond rant for a moment, though he wasn't really listening. Instead, he turned his attention to Lobelia.

"Hello, is this the Hotel of Valinor?" She asked into the phone. "Um…" She started speaking in elfish, asking of they had a Frodo Baggins registered at their hotel. "Yes, I'll hold." She finally said. Pippin realized it was quieter.

"Are you finished?" He asked Diamond. "Are you better? Please, now, Diamond, you're over-reacting…Honey Bunny, are you crying…?" There was an awkward pause as Pippin realized something else. He smacked a hand to his head. "It's…your…_birthday_! Gee, I'm sorry… Come on, Diamond, it's only a birthday! So you're 40…? _I'm in danger!_" Pippin shouted, shaking the phone as if strangling it. "And I can't come home for dinner to…" Pippins frustration had mounted at that point. "Blow out the candles! Open the presents! Please, honey, Diamond I'm in Valinor, in an airport, with no wallet, no cards, and no money! With my cousin, who is crazy!" He yelled at the phone. "And she's got me in an awful jam! So the answer, darling, Diamond, is I won't be home for dinner! Diamond…" He shook the phone. "Diamond…? Stars!" He hung up the phone when he received no response, and then turned to Lobelia, who was now speaking with some from the Hotel of Valinor.

"You do?" She asked hopefully. "He is? Oh, thank you, thank you!" She said excitedly, but then quickly collected herself. "Um, I'm an old and dear friend of his and I'd like to surprise him…Could you possibly book two rooms, one for me and one for my brother, right down the hall from him…? Oh, thank you very much…yes…yes…yes…we just arrived. We're at the airport. We'll be there in about forty-five minutes…Mrs. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins and Dr. Peregrin Took…that's right…fine…Thank you again." She said farewell in elfish and hung up the phone. Immediately she lost her pleasantness "Let's go!" She growled.

"Lobelia?" Pippin asked slowly as they left the airport. "Promise me you won't do anything crazy or…or emotional." Pippin pleaded.

"I will charm him to death." Lobelia reassured quietly before shouting out: "Taxi!"

**These next few chapters might be short, just so you know… But I hope you enjoyed! ;) Leave a review! ;D**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 8**

**The Day around Town**

The rest of that day, after Frodo and Hazel's argument, she had followed him and his Uncle around town, taking notes and making sure he was doing everything right. The recording of Bilbo's voice would not only tell Frodo what to do, but also gave good and uplifting advice.

"We've got a busy day ahead of us, Frodo." Bilbo's voice told him. "But I know you can handle it. After all, you're me nephew! You just stick with me, kid, and let your Uncle Bilbo show you how to live!

"First things first, new clothes," Bilbo instructed. "I know exactly what I want, so take me shopping. And, hey, buy something nice for yourself, too. Because when you look good, kid, the world will beat a path to your door." At the store, the clothes salesman had helped Bilbo try on various hats. Frodo had found a nice red vest and a green hood with a silver leaf. Hazel watched as Frodo picked out the proper things on Bilbo's list. She took notes and followed him as he continued on his way.

"Here we go, kid, gambling." Bilbo continued. "You just concentrate, follow my infallible system, and everything you touch is gonna turn to gold!" Bilbo was indeed right about this system. "Black thirteen, and red three. An old friend of mine taught me this system. Red five, and black two. Frodo, I know you're a winner!"

After Frodo had taken Bilbo gambling, Hazel following closely behind, he went off to the museum.

"I love museums, don't you Frodo?" Bilbo asked. "All that history! All that culture! And Frodo, a museum is a great place to meet women!" The voice of Bilbo laughed. Frodo nodded in agreement, and then he turned to look at Hazel, as if to size her up.

Hazel rolled her eyes. _In your dreams! _She thought bitterly.

Lobelia and Pippin had made it to the hotel, looking up and down for an unsuspecting hobbit. Pippin was laden with heavy suitcases

"You go check in, ok?" Lobelia commanded Pippin. "Then, we'll ring his room. If he's not in his room, we'll fan out. You take office buildings, museums, churches, and parks. I'll take beaches, casinos, cafes, and beauty salons."

"It's a wild goose chase!" Pippin said, interrupting. "What do you think, he'll just come parachuting down in front of us?!"

"Pippin, just come on!" Lobelia retorted.

"Welcome to skydiving, Frodo!" Bilbo said excitingly. Frodo, Bilbo, and Hazel were all in a plane. Hazel had her own parachute, insisting she follow Mr. Baggins and his old invalid Uncle. But now that she was up in the sky, she was having second thoughts. Bilbo was attached to Frodo's suit, so the corpse wouldn't be lost.

"The thrill of the lifetime!" Bilbo's voice continued loudly. "You just count to ten, pull the cord and whatever you do…" Frodo jumped. "Don't look do-o-o-o-wn!"

Frodo and Hazel both jumped out of the plane, Frodo screaming and then laughing, and Hazel crying.

After that, it was time for scuba diving.

"Ah, Frodo, the fish hitting the line, the water, the sky, and man pitted against nature. Sure beats…well, selling shoes to hobbits, eh, kid?" Bilbo said before they went under water. Under the water, Frodo heard Bilbo's voice gurgling. "Frodo, I don't know about you, but I am having one heck of a day!"

**I would be crying if I had to jump out of an airplane! Leave a review if you agree! ;) No one has guessed still who the delivery man is. It's the guy who gave Frodo the telegram. Who can guess who it is? You may leave it on a review! ;D **


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